“Uncaring” People Getting You Down? Try this.

Lots of the people I know, from all walks of life, have a bit of a thing about the, “uncaring” people around them. It could be a co-worker, spouse or boss. Perhaps a friend or family member. And usually, the people concerned are the nicest you could ever wish to meet.  They, not surprisingly, tend to be very puzzled as to what they have done to attract this lack of heart, feeling hurt, disgruntled, and sometimes even frightened.

I’ve observed this phenomenon from the sidelines many times, and occasionally, experienced it myself . Yet, until now, it’s been hard to work out what’s going on, when nice people attract more than their fair share of cold -shouldering.

If that describes you, or someone you know, read on, because finally, I may have figured out what’s going on here.

A shift of perspective

Come with me, on a shift of perspective. That does mean coming away from the barrel-load of good reasons to feel out of sorts, and into the twilight world of the particularly “uncaring” person  in question.

Ask yourself:

-What’s going on for this person: physically, emotionally (and even spiritually?)

-What does this person care about?

and,

-Could it be that something within the situation is causing them to switch off and stop caring, rather than it being anything to do with me? (Eg, does my boss secretly hate being on this project, is my friend really worried about her family, is my spouse really concerned about job security?).

The results

When you have applied your own gift for caring in this way, you may come to surprising conclusions, such as:

1. That this person isn’t being deliberately uncaring toward you at all. Rather, there is something about the whole situation they’re in which makes them care less about certain pieces of it than others.  And you just happen, unwittingly, to be attached to one of those less-valued pieces  right now.

2. If the person is persistently uncaring, they’re probably not feeling very happy. And the only person who can alter that, is the individual themselves. (So, nice person that you are, please stop trying to tapdance around them and jolly them out of it. A well-timed grunt from you may elicit more response and rapport than you can imagine).

3. As a caring person yourself, you may be assuming that there is  a certain level of care others,”must” take towards you. People do differ, both in their capacity to care, and the way in which they express the feeling. (Think for example of the mother who rarely hugs, but always has a delicious meal on the table). If you need a particular tye of caring, make it your responsibility to ask for it, and/or seek it elsewhere.

4. As a caring person, you have the edge, because you’re likely to be more aware of the other person’s position than they are of yours. Used wisely, this can be a tremendous asset, and can help you to help they person towards  what they need, rather than, “what they should want, if they only cared…”

In short: care about the uncaring person, rather than their opinion of you, and you may be astonished at how swiftly the situation can change.